Hoth 2014

Think I am crazy about suggesting doing winter sports on other planets?

Check this fellow’s brilliant satire site, supporting Hoth’s bid to host the 2014 Winter Olympic games.

He has a comment section in his blog linked from this site, and here are a few of the events readers have suggested:

  • Speederbike Slalom
  • Snowballing With Jetpacks
  • AT-AT tractor pulling
  • Taun-Taun race… but don’t hold it beyond the first marker after sundown!
  • 2-Man probe shooting
  • icy rope climb into the belly of a moving walker
  • Team snow-cannon shooting
  • Imperial Walker wrangling
  • Long-distance generator destroying
  • Ion Cannon shooting
  • Biathlon, composed of Tauntaun riding and shooting Probe Droids
  • Snowspeeder downhill racing
  • Snowspeeder slalom racing around AT-AT legs, bonus points if you manage to get the cable detached
  • Snowboarding on probe droid debris (held after the Biathlon)
  • Ice desert marathon; cut-up Tauntauns every 10 kilometers
  • Cross Country AT-ST racing
  • The Hoth Halllucination Challenge: Stick a wounded man in sub-zero temperatures and see if he can guess the correct system to visit.
  • Slave Girl Ice Dancing
  • Jet Pack Ski Jump
  • Infantry Trench Snowboard Half-Pipe
  • Ice Hockey using thermal detonators instead of pucks
  • Imperial AT-AT Speed Walking
  • AT-ST long jump
  • Collapsing Underground Base Maze Escape

And here is my own suggestion:

AT-AT 5k relay:
This short track relay race is run around the legs of an imperial AT-AT walking across an ice field, The team that can do the most laps in the time it takes the AT-AT to walk 5k to the finish line, is the winner.

Refs are unnecessary, as any rule infractions, or cutting the course too tightly will result in getting stepped on. Like an elephant, an AT-AT moves its feet fairly slowly, leading to brief shortcuts one could skate, but they would be directly under the Walker’s massive (15 meters across) feet. You could always skate a safer, wider path, but that’s not gonna be as fast, and if you skate too wide an arc, you come into the range of the AT-AT’s facial cannon, and you get blasted to pieces. Passing will probably necessitate daring pivots through the stomp zone!!!

If a skater is squashed or blasted, that team is not DQ’ed, it just has to complete the race with fewer team members!

11 Responses to “Hoth 2014”

  1. LOOOOOOOOVE it, especially the AT-AT 5k relay!!!!

    Thanks for sharing.

  2. andrew,
    i worried that your ‘puter nerdism [given your profession]might take over once you took a sabbatical from your elite-class skating spartanism, and now my worst fears have been confirmed.
    if you can format a copy of that game and dl it to me, i’ll buy it!

  3. wow, greg, you are right!!

    just reading your comment, makes me want to get back into the gym and descend back into a primal iron-tossing state…

    the nerd and the jock side of me are constantly at war… and right now the nerd seens to be winning…

    although, truth be told, my brother is the one who sent me the hoth 2014 website.. I did not find it surfing on my own!!

  4. just kiddin’, young man.
    socrates taught us that both body and mind in balance are sublime..[or was that nero?..naw, he was into ‘music appreciation by firelight..]but if he could’ve seen ‘puters socrates might’ve changed his tune!

  5. I fear that in your quest for audience appeal, you may be verging over the line… aren’t Olympic events not supposed to be INHERENTLY life-threatening? Let’s leave that to NASCAR and the people who do freestyle on snowmobiles. (Which, if you haven’t seen, is pretty impressive - they loop the things. I can’t imagine how you can develop that skill without being crushed and burned. I’m sure that developing skating skill FEELS like being crushed and burned, but objectively having a snowmobile land on your torso probably does do more damage).

  6. Have you considered seeing a Shrink?

  7. I don’t know what I found more amusing: the AT-AT 5K relay suggestion, the pic with the skaters and the AT-AT, or your Grandpa’s comment?!?!? :)

  8. that is my grandpa’s sense of humor, he is joking…

    : )

  9. Great post mate! Wheres the subscribe button? Haha

  10. This is such an appropriate post: I watched “Return of the Jedi” the other night for the first time, so I actually understand the “Star Wars” references.

    The Hoth 2014 website is funny too; I always thought they should have had skating in one of the Star Wars movies!

    Very inventive post! :)

  11. Theministerstoolkit.Com…

    Zen and the Art of Speedskating » Hoth 2014…

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