Fear, Failure, & RODNEY!!!
Walking away from the ice today, after a good race-prep workout, that 18 wheeler of reality suddenly blindsided me. Olympic trials are 18 DAYS AWAY!! I race both Saturday and Sunday this weekend, but trials is all I could think about.
I feel great on my skates, this Wednesday I skated my fastest lap ever (a 26.29, for you skate geeks), yet thinking about trials, fear hit my stomach like a thousand butterflies flying fighter jets through my gastrointestinal tract. I thought about failure, failure in front of my wife, mother, father, brother, best friends, coach, in-laws, and some dear friends of the family flying thousands of miles to cheer me on!
Failure at what I have focused much of my life on, and sacrificed so much for, over the last 4 years. All of this started on January 5th, 2002, what was I thinking in the pic below, flailing down the ice in my first 500m race ever in Lake Placid, that sent me down this path..
I could make a tiny split second mistake in one of my 500m races during trials, and that could send me crashing into a wall, or, almost worse, just skate a crummy time as nerves torpedo my technique. It happened in my first 500m at nationals last year, and the year before that too!
There is no answer to this fear, other than to dredge up a quote from skating mythology:
Dan Jansen’s Father once said to his young son, who was angry about not winning a race:
“Dan, there is more to life than skating around in a circle”.
He is right, I keep reminding myself, it’s the path, it’s the friends, it’s the experience, it’s what I see in the mirror each morning…. Well, its what I see in the mirror after a cup of coffee has opened my eyes, before that I am a sleepy, blind, stumbling mole.
When I talk about these things here, I am trying to convince myself they are true, argue with that hyper-competitive part of myself vs myself that simply wants to #!@$#!@!! win, no matter how unrealistic.
And what is winning anyway? Would someone explain this to the butterflies tearing around my stomach!
On a much happier & less stressed note, a fellow who has sacrificed a lot too, Rodney Kopish, finally qualified for Olympic trials after being frustratingly close all year. Check out his update on his website, and also, he put together a fantastic quicktime movie that rings a bell of truth as to what this experience is like.
Filed under: from home
No matter what, you will receive a “WSL”
Which of course stands for “We still love you”.
But I’m guessing you have momentarily forgotten all that you’ve already won. What a cool sport you have the chance to perform (especially in Lake Placid after the sun has gone down). What an opportunity in front of you, one you have earned, which makes it even more satisfying. You are in monster shape and doesn’t it feel fantastic to be so strong? Just like it says from Publisher’s clearing house “You may already be a winner”.
My advice, on race day take a deep breath, smile, and check to make sure the skinsuit isn’t on backwards.
And don’t forget all the friends and experiences you’ve gained.
Plus, what if you go out there and set PB’s? OMG, how terrible would that be? And to do it in front of you “wife, mother, father, brother, best friends, coach, dear friends of the family flying thousands of miles to cheer [you] on!”
Be a tiny frog and think positively, no matter how hard it might be.
I am so excited for you. Sounds like you will do great! Thanks so much for “de-lurking” over at my place. It’s great to meet you. I’ll be back to check up on your progress. Wishing you all the best. I won’t give you the “traditional” wish of “break a leg”. What do you say for skaters? Either way, I’ll be cheering you on!
marcia, thanks for your words, It really means a lot to me, especially because I know you have suffered pre-race nerves probably worse than I ever have..
steph, thanks as well, you are right, I should be equally open to the possibility that I could do REALLY well in front of friends/family..
oh, and the last person commenting here, the “last girl on earth”, is a facinating blogger,
http://www.denibonet.com/blog/
I have read her blog for a long time (she is a professional musician in NYC) and when I was thinking hard about designing this blog, hers was the one that had the right balance of words/video/pictures… When I saw it I said “yeah!!! that is it!” of course I do things a bit differently, cause I am me, but hers is exceptional…
I finally left a comment on a post of hers, confessing that I have “lurked” for a long time, and really enjoy everything she does in her blog.. (lurking is being a regular reader and never ever commenting, the ratio of lurkers/commenters is usually 30/1)
I am blown away, she visited here & left a comment!!
Hey Andrew, you CAN’T fail because you are already doing so well at what you want, you’ve been improving almost every day, you’ve had great experiences already, and you probably will skate pbs in your races at trials in front of everybody. You’ve been doing the training you need, and that makes the competition not just one or two days of your life. But…it’s easy for me to tell you that because I know it’s more or less correct…but…OF COURSE you want to “win”, and you have to aim for more than might be realistic, because, otherwise, you wouldn’t be trying hard enough! It’s Olympic trials, and that’s what you’re supposed to do.
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