Zen and the Art of Speedskating

So wave your hands in the air
Bust through the moves
Run your fingers through your hair
This is it for a winner
Dance to this and you’re gonna get thinner!!!

-M.C. Hammer: Can’t Touch this.

Hovering in front of brilliant trees and blue sky on the corner next to my house, this graffiti cracks me up every time I pass.

A college student when “Can’t touch this” was a hit in 1990, I used to dance my brains out (badly) to this song.

Wikipedia contains many cultural references to “hammertime”. But they completely miss the bicyle racing useage; to most two-wheeled athletes, going really hard is “hammering”, and “hammertime” means the race is ON.

I can’t think of an equivalent speedskating expression. Years ago I heard Kip Carpenter once call going really fast “roasting your pair” (legs? or your opponent on the track?), but that does not have the same ring.

Don’t laugh at M.C. Hammer, he currently has a blog where he writes haiku like entries about his faith, and the things he sees all around him.

Looking at these lyrics, I never considered the weight-loss benefits surrounding “hammertime”, but think of how many calories have been lost during this song! Maybe America’s looming obesity nightmare can be solved through strong doses of “Hammertime” “Groove is in the Heart” and “Everybody Dance Now“. Maybe it’s our national lack of these qualities that contributes to the problem.

I am writing to you all on an off day from training, a truly needed off day too… The last two weeks have been craptastically hard. But walking to the coffee shop with my hands in my pockets against the chilly fall air, I can tell my hip flexors have much more size and definition than any other year of racing I have ever done.

This time of the year, it’s all about refining race fitness & taking speedskating specific musculature to new levels. I hope all this hard work, this circular roasting hammertime, will take me to the next step.

Meanwhile in Missouri, the artisan who built Apollo Anton Ohno’s skates continues working on my new boots. It looks like the molds of my feet have been sprayed with some magical, pink substance. Hmmm.. maybe liquid Hammertime???

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Filed under: from the coffee shop

There is some color now in Salt Lake, no true leaf piles to speak of, but underneath certain trees one can shuffle along ankle deep in the leaves, or relax in them and watch the squirrels overhead madly preparing for hibernation.

Hibernation would be a good idea if winter sports weren’t such a blast. Ever since I was a kid freezing my butt off at crack-o-dawn outdoor hockey practices, fall & winter has always meant sports.

Mom & Dad, thanks for driving me to all those pre-sunrise practices & games. As a kid, I selfishly expected nothing other than total parental devotion. As an adult, I realize how much that must have sucked. My brother and I agree you are some of the best parents ever…

I am still using many of my hockey skills on a daily basis, not the checking or the slapshots, but everything else, as for those skills–

Ya’know you are in for it, when the coach brings the trash can right out to the ice, opens the lid, and announces before the workout “some of you may need this today”. This created some nervous laughter in our group, because he was right…

That particular day was one of the hardest things I have ever done on skates, and although no one puked, many (myself included) were dazed & retching between sets.

Scott has promised our group some of the hardest weeks of training of our lives. Often as the “old fart” on a team of extremely talented young guns, I wonder how my body will recover on a daily/weekly basis from the volume & intensity we do. Even though I am older than the parents of some of my fellow skaters, so far, so good. In fact, I feel stronger than ever.

But all work and no play makes a man a dull, so this past weekend I went to see the Australian Pink Floyd show with some friends. Jannicke took these pictures, and gave me permission to re-print them.

I have seen the REAL Pink Floyd twice, and this is my second time seeing the Aussie Floyd Show, and they are just as good.

How good are they? I have never seen a 75 foot tall angry gyrating pink Kangaroo before, and I bet you haven’t either. There also was a giant floating pig with glowing eyes, the first time I saw Aussie Floyd, they had an airplane crash into the stage just like floyd does.

Over 8,000 people were there, most of us singing along with every word.

Why is it that some music just bypasses all your defenses, and resonates right with your guts? Floyd hit my soul like a bomb when I was 13, and even though 22 years have passed since, it still moves me like nothing else.

If you should go skating
On the thin ice of modern life
Dragging behind you the silent reproach
Of a million tear-stained eyes
Don’t be surprised when a crack in the ice
Appears under your feet.
You slip out of your depth and out of your mind
With your fear flowing out behind you
As you claw the thin ice.


The thin ice, from the Album “The Wall”

Pink Floyd’s music is not woven from the happiest stuff, but sometimes neither is real life.

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Filed under: from the coffee shop