Walking away from the ice today, after a good race-prep workout, that 18 wheeler of reality suddenly blindsided me. Olympic trials are 18 DAYS AWAY!! I race both Saturday and Sunday this weekend, but trials is all I could think about.
I feel great on my skates, this Wednesday I skated my fastest lap ever (a 26.29, for you skate geeks), yet thinking about trials, fear hit my stomach like a thousand butterflies flying fighter jets through my gastrointestinal tract. I thought about failure, failure in front of my wife, mother, father, brother, best friends, coach, in-laws, and some dear friends of the family flying thousands of miles to cheer me on!
Failure at what I have focused much of my life on, and sacrificed so much for, over the last 4 years. All of this started on January 5th, 2002, what was I thinking in the pic below, flailing down the ice in my first 500m race ever in Lake Placid, that sent me down this path..

I could make a tiny split second mistake in one of my 500m races during trials, and that could send me crashing into a wall, or, almost worse, just skate a crummy time as nerves torpedo my technique. It happened in my first 500m at nationals last year, and the year before that too!
There is no answer to this fear, other than to dredge up a quote from skating mythology:
Dan Jansen’s Father once said to his young son, who was angry about not winning a race:
“Dan, there is more to life than skating around in a circle”.
He is right, I keep reminding myself, it’s the path, it’s the friends, it’s the experience, it’s what I see in the mirror each morning…. Well, its what I see in the mirror after a cup of coffee has opened my eyes, before that I am a sleepy, blind, stumbling mole.
When I talk about these things here, I am trying to convince myself they are true, argue with that hyper-competitive part of myself vs myself that simply wants to #!@$#!@!! win, no matter how unrealistic.
And what is winning anyway? Would someone explain this to the butterflies tearing around my stomach!
On a much happier & less stressed note, a fellow who has sacrificed a lot too, Rodney Kopish, finally qualified for Olympic trials after being frustratingly close all year. Check out his update on his website, and also, he put together a fantastic quicktime movie that rings a bell of truth as to what this experience is like.
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