Gone to the Bees

It’s a beautiful summer evening for….

a minor league baseball game!! a couple of skate-tribe friends casually mentioned they might go. So Jess and I rode our bikes to this absolute jewel of a park, to watch the AAA Salt Lake Bees.

I think there might be no sport more different from long track ice than baseball-

Lets think of some attributes-

winter, ice, solo, electronically timed, steel bladed shoes, brutal effort, you travel fast, coaches yell clear words & numbers

vs.

summer, grass, team, no time limit, leather gloved hands, pastoral contemplation, you throw things fast, coaches use mysterious silent hand signals.

We go to the ticket counter, and ask for seats in the shade, $16 later, we get our randomly assigned seats, wander up to the stands and sit down next to

ALL SORTS OF SPEEDSKATERS!

Bottom row: short trackers Cherise Wilkins & Sonia Milan, then LT-er Ron Macky.
Top row: Jessica, Matt Hotchkiss, John Loquai, & Nate Defranco & his girlfriend

It was nice Chatting with Cherise, we know many people in common from the Rochester skate tribe & even though we had never actually met, we had been to each other’s websites.

Skating is a very small, very weird world.

The baseball game was very exciting, the beer & nachos & home runs flowed, and conversation ranged from how they pick the world cup team, to training, to what kinds of beer cans make the best beer can pyramids (there were was an expert architect in attendance who shall remain nameless).

Not only does he have one of the best “pain faces” in the entire skating world, no one can sing “take me out to the ball game” like Ron Macky, seen here resplendent in his Milwaukee Brewers hat & jersey.

You can take the man out of Wisconsin, but never can take the Wisconsin out of the man, or baseball from your heart once it’s there.

We never did cross paths with the folks we intended to, but they saw our locked bikes & left a note.

Once part of a subculture, always part of a subculture!

Photos from Napa

These images are courtesy of Darlene Prois, thanks!

for larger versions (I did a bit of cropping), click on the images for full size originals.

As my body slowly recovers from the damage of a marathon, it’s wonderfully strange to look at the difference between memory & the objective proof of a photo.

Here is one thing my memory still can’t quite wrap around, Knut in his crazy skinsuit & areo fishtail helmet.

It’s worth saying that the skinsuit did not really look like this, as he moved the light was reflected in a constantly changing pattern from it… It was kind of like multi-colored trippy disco-ball. I was behind him during the race for a few moments, it was quite dazzling.

Here was the start; clearly visible is my open-mouthed “holy crap!!” reaction to racing in a big pack again! The eventual winner, Mike, is on the far right, with a very ice looking long track complete extension to his push.

A good view of the course, it rolled & rolled.

The breakaway of 5, working hard.

Grant Foster in Front, Followed by Andy Zak, Mike Anderson, Myself, & Rob Motta hidden behind us.

As I am fond of quoting

“it never gets any easier, you just go faster”
-Greg Lemond

I think the expression on Mike’s face proves this. Remember, when I say he was the “strongest” in the race, that doesn’t mean he did not work incredibly hard while applying this strength.

Here I am leading the breakaway on the hill, I actually wrote about this moment, as I looked up while skating & noticed photgraphers in an open backed minivan.

We must be near the top as I am double pushing. You can actually clearly see that I am “pulling” the legs together like scissors, helping add oomph to the underpush.

Gosh, I am so friggin pale compared to the other guys! At the back of the group is Rob Motta in the blue, he did a ton of leading this day, and it’s only odd chance that the published photos show him in the back!

In marathons, groups of similar ability skaters tend to gather & skate together. Here is a bunch of rec skaters on a nasty hill a mile or two from the finish. You really don’t need expensive equipment & flawless technique to skate a marathon, it’s a very open sport.

I want to end this with a thought to accomplished inliners. If you wonder about who the largest sponsor of big marathons is, it’s folks like this.

The vast majority of attendees at marathons are rec skaters. Their own personal battles & reasons they skate, turned into race entry fees, make these events financially possible. Without them, there would be no outdoor racing worth spit.

Many advanced skaters understand this, but some don’t.

So when you are speaking to an intermediate/rec skater, answer every question about training or equipment, be encouraging, be kind, keep that sparkle in your eye and the memory of all the folks who have helped you in your thoughts, because honestly, you are speaking to one of your sponsors.

The sport will be stronger for it.

The Wrath of Grapes

really, it’s the Napa Valley Inline marathon, but Tim made a comment that I just keep laughing with every time I see it. This is quite the first person narrative, but in a marathon, it’s hard to watch others.. I am posting from a sandwich shop in Winnemaca, Nevada

147+ skaters toe the start line, men & women, half marathon & full marathon.

A solid mass of humanity dissipating nervousness through catching up with old friends & affirming the full-spectrum plethora of reasons the skate tribe gathers at events like this. I cross paths with the “pocket rocket” Grant Foster for the first time in years, old friends from the skate tribe are enduring.

The air is quite cold, the sun casting slanting light onto the floor of the Napa valley.

Skaters warming up for the race do loops in the few patches of sun.

I have not done an inline race of this caliber & size for five years. I feel really good, but it’s a good untested against anyone other than a handful of salt lake training partners.

The godfather of skating (at least in California), David Miles, calls us to the start.

147 people aswirl within themselves, from all over the USA!

NYC, Ohio, Florida, Texas, Arizona, Utah, Nevada, Alaska & even Shanghai, on their toes, ready to react.

GO!!

The massive pack swarms off the line, some crazy competitive like me, others just out to enjoy a sunny skate with friends on an outstanding course.

This races travels along a constantly rolling road, with occasional true hills tossed in. It’s a straight out skate for 6.55 miles, then a 180 turn back to the start-finish. The half marathon finishes there, the full marathon turns around & does it again.

I’ve written about Mike Anderson before on this blog, he & I had a very intense duel last year at Masters Nationals. He’s a nice guy, as well as being extremely strong, an “allskater” who understands the advantages of combining ice & inline in his training.

Immediately Mike hits the front along with 2 other skaters in full Bont team-getup. They get the party started in warp-speed style.

Quickly the pack thins to 20 who can skate the consistent 24+ mph speeds. I’m relaxed in about 5th place, & I can feel the jostling & swarming behind me.

In the second set of rolling hills, Andy Zak takes the lead and starts pulling hard in the power-packed ice centric style that shows his 10 years of 5k-10k world cup stud/long track ice national team (ice to inline!!) experience, one by one skaters are falling away.

Now there are 15…..

I actually have a moment of guilt, listening ot the sounds of painful, ragged breathing behind me, as I feel completely relaxed & fantastic, not hurting at all, & rolling fantastically well.

I briefly see my buddy Uel, as the pack surges along one side of the road, he is in new boots and his shins are locking up. He is a phenomenal skater, knows many of the California crowd, but today Uel does not look happy.

I take my turn pulling the pack hard through one of the few flats in the course. The sun is now truly shining into the valley, and we round a corner to a view of walls of fog curling away from low-lying areas. Does Napa valley fog taste of grapes?

Another “pocket rocket” Rob Motta Jr, in the blue team SAFE colors, takes several hard pulls through another set of rolling hills. The pack is down to 8, a skater in an Ohio jersey steps in front of me, then Knut Skarpass in his wrist-to-ankle glittery suit & an aero-fishtail helmet. I pass them both on a hill. I’m breathing steady-hard now, but still feeling fantastic.

We hit the turnaround, 6.55 miles in, someone hollers that we do it in 17-something, given the hills, that’s freaky fast. After the turnaround, and now going back up the course, I see scatted packs & individuals & flashes of faces from the Salt Lake city crowd.. Uel has been dropped, having suffered complete shin-lock, Eric Lineback is leading a big group with his game face on. Brittany Heise & Uel Jr. are both looking strong on their way to winning their categories in the half-marathon.

After the turnaround, Mike puts some pressure on. Opens up a gap on our group with Andy Zack in tow. I holler “watch for the Bont block, lets organize the chase.”

Ohio-jersey takes a pull, but the gap does not close, then Grant Foster stomps up a hill & bridges up to Mike and Andy. Crap, that’s the move!

Now it’s 5 chasing 3 in front. They have a 50 meter gap.

But there is a moment, when the 3 in front are on a flat, and I see them stand up & look at each other for briefly & slow the effort. I go to the front, accelerate as hard as I can and close the gap in a minute or two of hard work.

3 more are dropped by these attacks. Now there are 5 of us left in front, The speed feels great but this hurts now. I focus on technique & efficiency, consciously trying to relax the gnawing pain in my lower back. Gotta love marathons.

The 5 of us settle in and work effectively together. No one skips any turns pulling, and I happen to lead the group through the halfway turnaround to the cheers of volunteers at what will become the finish line 13 miles from now.

The five of us are working smoothly & strongly, the speed is still quite high. We are all working hard, but Mike looks awfully relaxed, & I can sense him patiently gathering energy.

Somehow, the head of a race always “feels” different after the defining selection has been made, it’s a focused & nervous energy. Concentration & power, & you can feel the energy coming from the scattered spectators “oooh, here comes the leaders”. Often it’s a lot quieter in the front than in chase packs, more focus, less chatter.

Is this what a tour de France breakaway feels like? Probably not even close, but it’s the closest I will ever know. A wordless ethic of shared suffering & effort. We are all driving hard with no break in the skating position. If I can make it to the final kilometer in this quintet, I’ve surely got the strongest sprint.

But the finish is still a long, long way away, and Grant & Mike know my fast-twitch nature.

I take a long pull up a hill & notice a van in front of us with its back open, cheering people with video cameras taping. Cops manning intersections smile & wave. The bear has now climbed onto my back with teeth & claws out; I’m breathing hard & can start to feel the first cracks in power, push & technique.

We are eating up the miles at a steady clip. I don’t know if we are being chased by any large groups, I’ve never looked back, everything is focused on driving up the road.

The asphalt is mostly excellent, but there are a few cracks & rough patches, lighter skaters like Grant, Andy & Rob get bounced around in stuff Mike and I just are bulling through.

We hit the turnaround for the final time, 19.65 miles into the marathon, 6.55 to go. Mike decides NOW!!!. With Grant following he goes to the front on a false flat and starts ripping.

His wheels make a huge whooshing sound as his long legs crank out his maximum sustained power. He’s not a sprinter, this is his gift, this is what he works so hard to be able to do.

Faster, faster, faster,

I don’t know how long this goes on, my memory is like crinkled video-tape broken from race-inflicted brain damage. The world narrows to Grant’s flashing ankles in front of me as tunnel vision sets in (Mike told me later, he kept glancing back between his legs and thinking “Crap, they’re still there!”).

I’m burning like a meteorite cracking to pieces, no quarter asked for, none given,

On a small rise Grant inches away, then he is 10 feet ahead. I look back and don’t see anyone behind us, it’s down to 3.

A thought occurs to me “I’m a sprinter, I don’t belong here” that mental lapse precedes my physical collapse by an instant & I am finally broken, smooth technique becoming clomping skates, Grant and Mike Motor away.

I try to compose myself, can I turn staggering back into skating?

Andy Zak catches up to me. We both have fundamentally ice-brewed, low tempo, power & glide ice technique, one-arm swing up the hills & hip fall into each stroke. But he is still skating well and I’m in a world of hurt.

I try to share the work, but he is stronger, I cling into his draft for a mile, maybe 2, hoping to recover, I try to take a pull, do my share, but have nothing (Andy said later that just by listening to my breathing rate, he could tell I was a mess).

Small rises I popped effortlessly over earlier seem like vertical walls I’m dragging myself over with my fingernails. After repeated fingernail drags, I have no fingernails left, a nice full-body terminal burn sets in.

And even on the flat I can’t hold onto Andy’s draft. He motors away in pursuit.

Far up ahead I see Mike on his own, climbing a hill with unstoppable tempo, Grant foster is sitting up, he’s looking back at the Zak train catching him.

I’m in 4th on the road, Rob Motta in his team S.A.F.E. blue must be chasing me back there somewhere, plus I know that in marathons like this, there are usually big packs eating up the miles through sheer weight of numbers.

From never looking back during the first 22 miles, now I’m glancing over my shoulder every minute.

The final 4 miles are some of the hardest I have ever skated. I try recovering then increasing the speed, sitting low, sitting high, high tempo, low tempo, nothing works. I know every trick in the book, but sometimes the book is no help..

By now I am passing some of the slower rec skaters finishing the half-marathon. On a downhill, I zip past a zaftig woman in bright clothing, uncertain on her rec skates. I yell “You go girl!” and she answers with the biggest yodel-howl of joy I have heard in a long time.

Fun, this is fun!

Miraculously I struggle through the final miles with no one catching me. Racing is sometimes a game of small percentages, and whatever I had that let me cling onto Andy for that brief mile pulled me clear of Rob & whatever groups were chasing.

Sweat has poured from my helmet into my sunglasses, the world is a soupy blur, the morning chill has turned into an insistent heat.

I’ve rarely ever been so grateful for a finish line. Here is a link to the results.

*********
An hour later, at a wine tasting across the road from the finish line, another skater asks me “Hey, what hurts worse? Ice or inline?”

Although there is nothing quite like the pure lactic brutality of a long track 1500m when you really go for it, all skating, when you are determined enough to crack through the limits of what you can do, asks you hard questions about yourself.

When you find that answer that has no words, just that internal knowledge of perseverance, it’s satisfying. All skating is as hard as you & the racecourse make it.

(and yes, wine tastes better after 26+ miles)

*********

At the awards ceremony, I did not expect to be on the podium, as I finished in 4th place, but Mike had registered himself in the master’s category, so even though he was the overall winner. He was not on the Pro-elite podium. It just seemed wrong that he was not up there with Andy, Grant, & Myself

So as piles of people gathered around with cameras to take pictures of the top-3 pro-elite, the three of us called out to him in unison, saying “hey, come on Mike, get up here!”.

Stuff like this is one of the reasons I love this sport.

***************

California note:
Every state in the USA has its own character, and part of California’s is the folks who live & skate there.

There is a fellow who is famous for skating inline events backwards! I saw him, or at least his wiggling butt, out on the course, and I got to meet a guy who skated the whole race on his one wheel skates!

They actually work, he keeps two feet on the ground, and snakes his way along. I asked him how well they work, he said “slow, and check out my website, one wheel skate”

I looked & could not find it.

It takes all kinds, and California seems to have many of them.

Napa & the Ocean

After crossing the furnace known as Nevada, the Napa valley in California arrives a sudden & lush paradise, overwhelming the senses.

Rolling hills & variegated corduroy vineyards flow past, the vibe is easy like a good merlot, and a brief tune up skate on the roads for tomorrow’s marathon feels great.

This is Uel Archuetta, hauling through terrain typical for this region.

Its too bad money doesn’t grow on trees, or speedskates in vineyards.

Heck, with the amount of genetic engineering & scientific creativity this country focuses on problems- lets get someone to grow skates! Or at least grow affordable wheels!

After our tune-up skate, we drove the hour+ from Napa to pay homage to the pacific ocean. Warmth & rolling green replaced by a sharp cold, mist, jagged rocks & happy surf dogs, enjoying themselves more than their frozen bipedal keepers

And plentiful marine life, somewhat larger than dogs, or humans, watching with great interest from the waves, almost calling out to us-

“come on in, the water’s fine!”

on a misty, freezing northern California beach (it’s july!!) staring for a split second into the liquid eyes of a mammal bigger than me -

It’s just another speedskating road trip full of things I might never have seen if I hadn’t laced up skates.

muenchnerbladenight & a video

I will probably be out of blog-touch for a few days, I’m heading to California in 15 minutes to race my first inline marathon in quite a few years. I could skate really well or really badly, there will be no middle road.

Anyway, Marion Wohlrab is a german coach who has worked in the US for some time, and many skaters know her well. She is back coaching in Germany and just sent me a fascinating email that I will reprint in full-

hi andrew,

saw the article about blade nights on your page… thought i’ll drop you a line and send you another link
www.muenchnerbladenight.de

it’s munich’s blade night. 6000 to 15000 participants! pretty cool but with the German weather they sometimes need to be cancelled.

Me and my team will take part on july 30th. 15k and the route will be going right through “Muenchen Schwabing” on the Leopoldstrasse. it’s the see and be seen street in munich. We have already done it last year and it was a blast!

good luck and good to hear that it was a friendly freckl

marion

See, even hard core ice-teams like those Marion coaches do fun inline skates!

The second thing I am mentioning is that I was an “early adopter” of video on the internet. However he company I originally went with has lost out to YouTube, so I am transferring a whole pile of videos from them to “the Tube”.

Here is one of the very first videos I ever did on this blog, and even though I am a lot better now (and have more bandwith to play with too, thanks to many of my readers), it’s still one of my favorites.

So many athletes in this, who went on from this race to the Olympics, retirement, or are still flying blade-first down the ice.
This was the US single distance championships, October 21-24th, 2005.

Freckle Exorcism

You know that you have a cool doctor when you ask him if you can take a picture of the 3 evil-looking freckles he just carved out of your body, and he replies;

No problem! I wish I hadn’t just thrown away that big bloody pile of gauze, it would have made a better picture to have that in there.

Thanks go out to Dr Hamula & his staff. They are the excellent examples of thoughtful medical professionals. (it’s worth noting I am very grateful to have health insurance through my wife’s job as a veterinarian).

I sometimes joke that each freckle on my body is the record of a beautiful day that I went out for a satisfying bike ride.

If you know what I look like in person, that is a lot of sunny days!

In my early 20’s, I used to like the color that I would turn after a full summer of training and racing bicycles. My freckles seemed to grow & merge into a wild orange that matched the orange beard & ponytail I had then.

I almost never wore sunscreen (a normal case of young man invincibility-syndrome.)

Well, I’m dodging bullets right now because of it. My grandmother even had skin cancer back then, so I have triply no excuse.

Or as that famously misattributed speech Kurt Vonnegut never gave wisely says: “wear sunscreen”.

Just as I was leaving the Doctors office, I asked him, “What percentage of the patients that you see are suffering from ‘lifestyle influenced’ preventable health issues like weight problems, alcoholism, smoking, & combinations of stuff”

He thought about it, and replied:

“at least 40%, and I am always compassionate, but Ya’know, it’s really hard to see it over and over and over, and what do I say to people?”

I could not do what he does. Or what my wife does, for that matter. Being a medical professional is a VERY hard job.

As I was driving home, and ruminating over this 40%, I realized with a sudden jolt that I belong firmly in that category.

As much as athletes like to imagine ourselves as not “at-risk” we can just as easily be killed by behaviors that bring us as much satisfaction as the nicotine fix to the smoker, the wine to the wine-o, or the soda to the overweight.

Certainly the percentages, generally speaking, are far better than those of people who truly abuse themselves. But who cares about percentages when it’s you the scalpel is slicing into?

p.s. I wrote this entry on the 9th, the day of my appointment.

This morning, the 11th, Dr Hamula emailed me with the results

“negative”

Whew!!

We had an email discussion, wherin I sent him the preliminary draft of this post, he commented on it thusly:

For clarification, I wanted to say that 40% of an individual’s health is a result of lifestyle decisions (30% genetic, 20% public health issues like vaccines, clean water, etc. and 10% access to health care).

The percentage of people I see who have health issues related to lifestyle decisions is at least 65% and probably a lot more.

Michael Moore’s film would do well to discuss this. With all we spend on health care, it really doesn’t have a huge impact on an individual’s health

(but it sure makes for good film making talking about how a certain HMO decided to withhold a $100K procedure which hasn’t been proven to improve the health outcome it intends to treat - is that really withholding health care?).

So reform our health care system all you want. If you want to make a difference in someone’s health, get them to stop smoking, lose weight, and get out and exercise.

(For the record, I have yet to see Sicko - hope to this weekend.)

So I guess as athletes, we should feel good that we are getting as much out of that 40% as we can!

if we remember our sunscreen!!!

Would you hate me if?

Would you all hate me if some ads appeared on this blog?

I had an advertiser from outside the skate-world approach me, interested in buying adspace. He is someone I know & respect in the real world, and I have purchased his services myself.

This eccentric little blog of mine is thrumming along at a nice half-million page views per year (BTW: hits are a meaningless web-stat, visitors & page views mean much more) & that is worth something. And I know my mom can’t be ALL those views…..

The skate world is extremely small, but a desirable demographic to reach. I am really wrestling with it…. it makes sense… money is always nice… but….

Or maybe I should really go for a BIG advertiser/sponsor, and turn this webspace into a true newsblog/speedskating vibe-salon? (Note: I am more attracted to the offbeat model of pezcyclingnews.com, rather than the strict cyclingnews.com).

But there was a fellow who tried hard some time ago with speedskating.com, now all that is left of that is a forum, and whatever happened to Fitness & Speed Skating Times? This sport is really small, and can barely pay more than a tiny handful of english-speaking athletes a living wage, much less writers/videographers/etc.

Peter Doucet just finished a 6 day funding drive, and he deserves every cent he got from that (I made my donation, go Pete!), maybe that is another model instead of advertising. But then I really would start sounding more like NPR than I already do.

Meanwhile, back in the real world:

I usually try and spin a positive outlook on life, like cracking jokes when getting pelted by bug swarms when out on long bike rides.

The glass is always half-full, even if it’s sometimes half-full of bugs.

I habitually try to look at the good side of life, like recent posts about Salt Lake City (it’s hot, so talk about sprinklers!) because I genuinely love the mountain west.

However yesterday was a “red pollution advisory day” and during a 2 hour bike ride, Both Jess and my eyes started painfully burning!!!

That is really freaking awful, & there is nothing positive to spin from that!

Maybe just to make a personal resolution to not drive a car unless absolutely necessary.

Cities up against mountain ranges can become like fish tanks that are never cleaned, & the fish drown in their own excrement…..

Heat? Schmeat!!

This fish is looking forward to a good strong wind.

p.s. added on the 10th -what hurt our eyes actually was smoke from a massive forest fire! can’t blame pollution! also this discussion is really thrumming along in a great way!! thanks all!!

Spam Poetry

Sometimes legitimate comments are nuked by the extremely vicious spam-killer I use, so I usually quickly scan through each day’s spam harvest to make sure no legitimate thoughts get eaten.

Spammers often use automated programs that jumble words & sentences together randomly to try and get by the filters. The results can sometimes be amusing.

I thought this was a real comment for a few long moments-

But i will be my hold; Waving and onto the deadly blades
still
flashing lick my body around.

I am 99% sure this is not a real person-

it is a spam-bot writing avant-guard risqué speedskating Haiku!

The world is a very strange place… I thought about this as I did a long powercrank ride… It makes more & more sense the more you ruminate.

waving and onto the deadly blades still flashing… i will be my hold…


Dry Heat!

As of right now, here is how hot it is, next to the Utah Oval

if you note the 17% humidity, at least it’s a dry heat!

Of course, in Downtown Salt lake, where I live, there are myriad creative ways of dealing with the heat.. Especially when the parks department creates a watery arch of sprinklers running full blast.

I must admit that while PowerCrank-ing home from a hilly inline skate, I did take a detour through these… Aaaaaah…..

It seems just wrong that folks are skating short track right now, and that long track ice will supposedly be put in sometime this month.

Modern life is FULL of contradictions; too many to list, so I guess gliding on ice when it’s 103 degrees outside is perfectly normal.

It’s funny, even though I have drifted into training HARD again; it’s in a different place & doing different stuff than the rest of the crazy ice tribe who live out here.

I miss my friends, I miss the summer sun slanting into the windows of the Utah Oval & the easy conversation among people who all share the same insane passion & drive for the same wonderfully satisfying, irrational goals.

I even miss the whole pre-season endless wheel-of-pain. Maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder. Hmmmm.

It’s a small thing, really, but small things seem to be so much of what our irrational lives revolve around.

Ghostbusters Short Track

I try not to re-publish other videos here, because I want to FORCE myself be in create-create-create mode.

But occasionally I come across something so well done or astonishing, my resistance breaks down & I pass it along.

Check out this YouTube of some Austrian Short Trackers goofing around. Nice camera work & editing, a nice rink, cool lighting, a great/terrible late 80’s soundtrack, break dancing, plus guys doing pivots on their heads and leaping pads.

I bet this video is creating chaos worldwide, as short trackers try some of this stuff.

I can’t pivot to save my life, but I bet I could leap a pad! or at least channel my inner hockey player and crash through it quite entertainingly.

Short track sometimes has a playful aspect to it. The same way downhill mountain bikers can be playful while displaying tremendous skills.

Long trackers can be sometimes over-serious, intense & inwardly focused like triathletes.

These observations open up the can of worms question: “as a group are short trackers temperamentally different than long trackers because of the specific demands of the sport?”

The most interesting answer I ever got was from a coach in Calgary, who said:

“nope, they are not different, but on average the short trackers do have a lot more tattoos!”

Writing from the perspective of a non-tattooed, over-serious long tracker, I think he is only looking skin-deep.

Thanks goes out to Liz, who posted this video on her Rochester skate-tribe blog: the unstoppable left turn. Somewhere between my coffee and her Nutella, the truth lies (or is that just another short-track long-track difference too?)